“Are we there yet?” This little family road trip question has become so iconic, that it’s become common fodder for comic routines and movie scripts. I would imagine that this travel question has been around as long as families have been traveling. It’s probably a good thing that all of Noah’s sons were full-grown, or Mr. and Mrs. Noah may have probably ended up threatening to turn the boat around.

Think about the Israelite’s trek through the wilderness. After crossing the Red Sea, they got to the edge of the Promised Land quite quickly, but because they didn’t trust God and refused to go in, God sent them on a forty-year road trip. The idea was that all of the adults who refused to believe were to die before their children would be allowed in. Can you imagine the conversation, “Are we there yet?” “Am I dead yet?”

I’ve always wondered why the Israelites didn’t understand that God wanted to have a relationship with them. Moses was the leader, but he wasn’t supposed to be the only one talking to God. Instead of whining and complaining, why not call a prayer meeting and ask God just how they were going to conquer a land full of giants and well-fortified cities. They had God’s presence right there, represented by a huge cloud, so you’d think that a little more conversation and a little less groaning would have been a better idea.

Out of that story comes the parenting advice key that we need to solve the age old problem of, “Are we there yet?’ When our kid’s under developed ability to understand time and distance starts to affect the small amount of patience and attention span they have, they can respond in two ways. Like the Israelites, they can start whining and complaining, or they can start a conversation with you.

If they choose to do the right thing, because they have limited conversational skills, you’ll most likely hear the dreaded four-word question. Here’s how to turn it into a positive experience.

View the question not as an irritant but as your child doing the right thing and attempting to open up a dialogue with you. Grab the opportunity to not only engage in conversation and strengthen your relationships, but to teach your children about conversation.

Children don’t learn conversational skills by osmoses, we need to teach them. The reason they ask the same question over and over is because they want information from you and interaction with you (that’s conversation), but the only conversational tool they have is the basic ‘question.’

Try this, first make sure you explain (very simply) where you are going and how they’ll know when you’re there. Then ask them if they understand. Now that the answer is out of the way, continue the conversation. Ask them how they’re feeling or about the backseat activities they’re involved in, etc. As the conversation moves forward, praise them for starting a conversation and for what conversational skills they are practicing well. Then give them a conversation tip so that they can improve their skills. For example, help them understand how using one word answers kills a conversation or (here’s a relevant beauty) talk to them about not asking the same question twice.

You’ll find that after awhile your child will feel satisfied that they are included, and that they’ve gotten some of your attention. They will then be happy to return to their quiet activities. If the same question comes up again, remind them of their wonderful conversational skills and help them find another question with which to start a conversation with you. Then follow through with more conversation.

Road trips and questions like “Are we there yet,” are actually great opportunities for teaching our children skills that will benefit them their whole life. It will also make your family trips more pleasant as you grow closer to your children.

If you commute a lot and/or you’re heading out on a long road trip this summer and you’re looking for a great Christian family resource to help make the travel time more pleasant, check out the best selling ‘Singing Bible.’

The music is great, kids love it and it’s a great way for kids to learn the Bible. Also, since it’s more than three hours long (taking the kids through the whole story of the Bible from Creation to Jesus’ second coming) you don’t end up hearing the same content again and again.

It has been highly recommended by thousands of parents for use in the car, and best of all you’ll hear the dreaded, “Are we there yet?” far less often.

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)

Love has a way of bringing us to our knees. I’m learning that lesson from Don, and from my kids.

Don is a pastor whom God has used powerfully in our city (Durham, North Carolina). He’s a leader with a heart for others. He’s planted churches. He’s started a prayer ministry that has brought pastors together and resulted in effective crusades. He’s also had a television ministry.

Years ago, Don was on TV preaching on Proverbs 22:6: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” During the sermon, he intimated that if parents “really raise their kids right,” their children won’t go through prodigal years.

After the service the telephone rang. It was woman struggling with a prodigal son. “I tried to raise my son to be a sincere Christian,” she said, “but he’s going his own way right now.”

Don’s response was quick and direct: “Ma’am, I just believe the Word of God.”

Don’s children were young at the time and several years later two of them went through their own prodigal seasons. He told me afterward, “James, there have been so many times I wished I could find that woman and just sit down with her and talk. I was so proud. I wish I could tell her I’m sorry.”

It’s not that Don doesn’t believe the Word of God. He does, passionately. But he’s a humbler man than he was several years ago. The choices his children have made have brought him to his knees.

There’s no better place for a parent to be.

Prayer, it’s sometimes said, is “love on its knees.” As the parent of a prodigal child, I’m beginning to learn what that means, and there’s nothing defeatist about it. It’s the single most effective way I can parent my prodigal child or any other.

Bill Hybels wrote, “When I work, I work. But when I pray, God works.” God uses our prayers for our children to give them the help they need most of all. He entrusted them to us for a purpose: that they may know Him as their Savior (see 1 Timothy 2:3–4) and love Him with all of their heart, soul, and strength (see Deuteronomy 6:5). We have to place how and when that will happen in God’s hands. Children have their own free will and make their own choices. Some of those choices thrill our souls and others break our hearts. But God uses our prayers to move them in His direction and bless them in ways we can only begin to know. That’s where it really gets exciting.

God is “able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20, italics added). I have a lot of plans for my kids. To me, they all seem good. But it’s God’s will that needs to be done in their lives, not mine. And there’s amazing comfort in the thought that no matter the mistakes I or my children have made, as I persevere in prayer for them, they will be given the help they need. My part is to pray what God’s Word and what He wants for them, and Jesus tells us that our “Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost” (Matthew 18:14).

Like Don, I still believe we must “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” But now I pray that verse (along with many others) as a promise that awaits fulfillment in my prodigal child’s life. I believe that God will keep His promises and answer my prayers whether I live to see it or not. I also believe I have to keep praying for my children as long as I live. It’s one of the main reasons God has put me on this earth and placed my children in a Christian home. If I don’t pray for them, who will?

There is power in a mother or father’s prayers because of God’s faithfulness. No matter how old or how far away from Him my children may be, because God keeps His promises and answers prayer, my prayers may keep “training” my children long after my days on this earth are through. After all, God loves my kids even more than I do. They’re much better off in His hands than in my own.

Dr. James Banks is the author of The Lost Art of Praying Together and Prayers for Prodigals (Discovery House Publishers). To learn more, please visit www.dhp.org and www.prayersforprodigals.org.

King David taught his son, Solomon, godly wisdom, and Solomon wrote what he was taught, and also what he learned for himself serving God, down in the book of Proverbs. The book has been used to teach many, many generations of children, God’s wisdom and common sense.

Of course the book is inspired by God and included in his Word, and so it stands on its own as an amazing source for learning wisdom for our kids; but the irony of what became of Solomon in his later years, and his son Rehoboam, needs to be examined in order to understand how to truly teach our kids God’s wisdom.

Solomon started off very well. The well known story of him asking God for wisdom is legendary.

That night God appeared to Solomon and said to him, “Ask for whatever you want me to give you.” Solomon answered God, “You have shown great kindness to David my father and have made me king in his place. Now, LORD God, let your promise to my father David be confirmed, for you have made me king over a people who are as numerous as the dust of the earth. Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours?” God said to Solomon, “Since this is your heart’s desire and you have not asked for wealth, riches or honor, nor for the death of your enemies, and since you have not asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern my people over whom I have made you king, therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given you. And I will also give you wealth, riches and honor, such as no king who was before you ever had and none after you will have.” (1 Chronicles 1:7 – 12 NIV)

His wisdom, accomplishments, and extreme wealth that all came as a result of that conversation with God, are well recorded (1 Kings 10) and are also legendary.

Unfortunately, Solomon’s apostasy is also recorded.

They were from nations about which the LORD had told the Israelites, “You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.” Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been. (1 Kings 11:2 – 4 NIV)

So this great man who was given so much wisdom that it wowed the world, lost it all because he forgot the most basic piece of ultimate wisdom that he learned from his dad, King David, and which he wrote down in Proverbs himself more than once;

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. (Proverbs 9:10 NIV)

Solomon’s son, the first young man to have benefited from the book of Proverbs (his father’s writings to his son) shared his father’s fate and didn’t turn out so wise. When he became king in his father’s place, he sought wisdom from counselors (good so far), but when his friends gave him different counsel, he decided to follow the not so wise ideas of his friends (not wise). The big thing though is, unlike his father who asked God for wisdom when he became king, there is no record of Rehoboam praying at all.

So what happened?

We are right to teach our children extensively from Proverbs and we should be, but there’s something else we need to teach them as well. The book of James is sometimes referred to as the New Testament’s book of Proverbs, and here’s what James (Jesus’ brother) had to say about wisdom;

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5 NIV)

James was aware of Solomon’s one time prayer for wisdom, but that is not what he was talking about. He was talking about communing with God, and looking to him in each situation for wisdom and guidance.

Somehow, Solomon got the idea that God gave him wisdom so that he could run off and do what he wanted with it. Imagine a person who wants to learn about investing. They are offered the opportunity to work with, and be taught by, the greatest expert in investing in the world. This beginner doesn’t want to take the time working with this expert, so when he meets him, declines the opportunity and asks instead for the expert to recommend a good textbook on the topic.

Solomon didn’t seek God and run after him to know him, love him and serve him. He took the wisdom and ran off (like the guy with the textbook) full of wisdom without walking with, and working with, the one who created everything including wisdom. I wonder what would have happened if Solomon had asked God to help him know him, and to be with him and instruct him as he ruled. Sometimes we do the same thing, we want God’s wisdom so we can run off and make money with it, or get busy with our life plans, but do we stop to get to know God and his plans?

I love this verse that Paul penned under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit:

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. (Ephesians 1:17 NIV)

Paul knew that the ultimate purpose of wisdom is to help us draw closer to God and know him better.

Here’s another great verse that Paul wrote:

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. (Colossians 2:2, 3 NIV)

All of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge are hidden in Christ. So how do we access them? The same way the disciples did, by knowing Christ; we walk with him daily, looking to him to teach us, guide us, grow us and give us wisdom in every circumstance.

Jesus died for us so that, yes, our sins could be forgiven, but also so that we could enter into fellowship with the Father and himself, and learn from them, and follow them and become all that they created us to be.

We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. (1 John 1:3 NIV)

Talk to your kids about this post; read them the story of Solomon and discuss what happened. Then start diving into the book of Proverbs, asking God to help you know him, and to teach you and help you learn wisdom daily. Teach your kids to pray for wisdom in each circumstance of life, and the Holy Spirit will remind them of what they’ve learned and help them apply it. Jesus said he’d never leave us or forsake us; that doesn’t mean that he’s still kind of on the job even though he’s far away. No, through the person of the Holy Spirit who lives in us, he’s walking with us moment by moment wanting to teach and train us, just as he did with the disciples, only more effectively because he’s now doing it from within.

Sorry, the book ‘Proverbs For Kids’ that I talked about at the beginning of this post is currently out of print, but we’re currently working on the ebook version. If you want to know when it’s available, sign up to our e-News & Updates on the homepage and you’ll be one of the first to know about it. But please don’t wait, start teaching your kids to walk in God’s wisdom today.

The home that I raised my kids in had many rooms, and sometimes I literally had to become a mini search party of one in order to find out where everyone was. I would be between tasks and hear the glorious but telltale sound of complete household silence; always glorious because there’s no noise, but telltale because the level of silence is a meter that gauges individual seclusion. Complete household silence usually indicates complete individual seclusion.

That’s when I would go on my one-man search party. As I found each child, I’d sit for a short time and engage him or her in a little “wazzup” talk. It takes only a few minutes, but it reconnects everyone to the family collective. The best part is that it doesn’t take long. You just need to take advantage of the minutes you have between tasks to personally connect with each of your children.

Another thing I did and still do to counteract individual seclusion and get in some quality family moments is to get some or all of us to seclude ourselves in the same room. If my wife and I are reading in the evening, sometimes we’ll grab our books and sit in the living room. Then we let the other family members know what we’re doing and they’ll sometimes grab their books and join us. I really love doing this because we end up laughing and talking and taking breaks together.

It takes only minutes to battle seclusion, but it’s worth it.

The Neighbor’s Dog

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:  ’I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

Unfortunately, as with most email forwards, this came to me with no links or author credits so I don’t know where it came from or even if it actually happened. However, it’s hilarious, and most of us can see it happening and can identify with it.

Some families give their kids ‘timeouts’ when they’re misbehaving. Many times the misbehaving comes at times when the child is tired, hungry, frustrated, etc. and the time-out really just serves to settle them down so that they can be talked to and dealt with rationally.

This email forward reminded me that parents get tired and frustrated from time to time and also need a timeout. It’s when we push ourselves past our own strength and run ahead parenting, even when we’re tired and/or frustrated, that we end up misbehaving towards or in front of our children. Every parent needs an exit strategy. Kind of like a fire escape plan so that you can get a little rest when you feel the need before you reach the end of your rope and parent badly. Here are some ideas:

• If you’re a full time, at home parent, and your spouse has an outside job, arrange for your spouse to take the kids for a hour when they get home to let you escape to what ever relaxes you (a bath, exercise, a prayer walk, etc.).
• If your kids have nap times, coordinate the naps to happen all at once. Even kids who are older can have a ‘quiet time’ in their room while their younger siblings are napping. Take some of this time and do something that relaxes you. Resist the temptation to spend all of this time doing chores. You being rested for your kids is more important.
• If your kids take well to the stroller or riding in the car, get out and take a walk or a drive. Don’t have an agenda, just walk and/or drive to relax and maybe see some nice scenery.
• Make time each evening, after all the kids are bedded down, to do something that relaxes you, reading, praying, chatting with friends online etc. Identify which activities recharge you and spend even a small amount of time recharging.
• Plan a bigger timeout at least once a week. Get a babysitter and get out and about doing something you enjoy.

What do you do to make sure that your batteries are recharged so that you can parent calmly and in control? Leave your comments, they could be helpful to another parent. We may not be able to follow our dog to the neighbor’s house, but with a little bit of planning we can keep ourselves rested and ready to go.

(If you know where the email forward originated, please let me know so that I can give proper credit.)

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that there are times when your marriage isn’t always as great as you’d like it to be.

In my family, we have 3 very active children, a fourth one on the way, a family-run business, and we homeschool. Finding time to spend alone with my wife is a bit challenging.

Yet I know for an absolute fact that the times when I take her out on dates and give her my complete, undivided attention and focus means more to her… and to our marriage… than almost anything else I could do.

I know this because she has told me so… more than once.

All the flowers, chocolate, jewelry, movies, or anything else I “buy” for her don’t even come close to the love she feels from me when I simply give her my time and focused attention. It makes her feel valued and cherished by me.

One of the best dates we’ve ever had was exactly like this. Since Valentine’s Day is coming up,  I asked her to briefly share about it. (The book she mentions is called My Wife Journal, and I highly recommend it no matter what stage of marriage you are at.)

“This is what I can tell you from my heart. I will always remember our date on a cold winter night.

Thank you for dazzling me with something more beautiful than diamonds and much more significant than flowers!”

Fellow Dad, I can’t tell you enough how much my wife appreciated this date. I hope this encourages you in your marriage. 

You can learn more about the “My Wife Journal” here.

Blessings on your marriage,
Joey Watkins Founder, FamilyDads

PS – Don’t forget, Valentine’s Day is February 14th! 

FamilyDads is a dad-founded and dad-focused organization committed to helping dads prioritize and lead their families. Learn more at http://www.FamilyDads.com ]]> http://christianparentingdaily.com/2009/02/03/best-date-ever-by-joey-watkins/feed/ 0 http://christianparentingdaily.com/2009/01/26/daniel-at-school/ http://christianparentingdaily.com/2009/01/26/daniel-at-school/#comments Tue, 27 Jan 2009 03:28:42 +0000 Rick Osborne http://christianparentingdaily.com/?p=1062

Daniel’s life and the details surrounding it fascinate me. This man of God, full of deep integrity and wisdom, wrote some of the most detailed and much-studied prophecies in the Bible.

As a teenager, Daniel was uprooted from his home and taken as a captive to Babylon. He ended up in the royal court after the king ordered several young Israelite captives of noble birth to be brought to the palace (Daniel 1:3). Until the time Daniel was taken captive, he evidently grew up in either the royal family or in a very influential home.

Daniel was a young boy when the very godly Josiah ruled Judah. So since Daniel probably grew up in an influential family during Josiah’s reign, he likely was raised with spiritual training and with a godly world view.

Daniel and three other teenage Israelites were taken to the king’s court to get a Babylonian education. All four of the boys received Babylonian names. Daniel was called Belteshazzar; the name hints at the purpose of his education. “El” at the end of Daniel’s name refers to God. “Bel” at the beginning of his new name referred to a Babylonian god. Daniel and his friends were to be educated not only in regular school topics like literature, but they were to be trained to think and view the world, in every way, as the Babylonians did.

In other words, they attended a school similar to those where many Christians send their children to get educated today. Our public schools don’t only strive to give children a God-neutral education; very often they contradict what Christians believe.

Some contend that it’s our job to stand up, be counted, and change all of this. I wouldn’t disagree, but I’d like to point out something even more fundamental: it’s not the governments job to ensure that our children get the right intellectual or spiritual education – that’s our job. Government schooling should aid us in getting the job done, of course, but when we recognize the task as ours, we no longer resign ourselves to the status quo, but instead do what we can to fill in the gaps and right the wrongs in our own child’s education.

If your child is gifted in music, for example, you many conclude that the music program at her school is just not enough. So what do you do? You take control and get her involved in community or private lessons outside of school. Or if you or another family member has musical abilities then some training at home.

In the same way, if your children attend public school and are being taught things contrary to the truth, then it’s your responsibility to fix the problem. You may consider it a civic responsibility to help change things on a political level, but while you’re doing that, it’s also your parental responsibility to change it for your child, whether it changes for everyone else or not.

Fortunately, Daniel and his three friends had been well educated in Judah before their exile to Babylon. Not only had they learned what was right, but they also learned (at the very least from what Josiah did) about the dangers of the pagan religions that Josiah worked so hard to eradicate. This would have prepared the four young men to learn, discern, and understand everything they were taught in light of God’s truth.

In Babylon they learned about practices God had forbidden, such as astrology and divination. They didn’t refuse to learn about these subjects, but they did recognize them for what they were and refused to practice them. When it came to interpreting dreams or predicting the future, Daniel didn’t follow the ways of the Babylonian magicians; he went to God.

We need to prepare our children by educating them in the truth so that when their instructors teach something wrong, they know it and know what the real truth is.

Does this sound like a ton of work that you don’t feel equipped to take on? Don’t worry; you can do some pretty simple things to make sure you’re fulfilling the crucial task of educating your child to view the world from a Christian perspective.

Before diving in to what you can do if your children attend public school, let me briefly speak of the alternatives. Some speak about the alternatives in terms of right and wrong. They believe that everyone should home-school or send their kids to Christian school. Let me say that I disagree. There is no one perfect educational answer for everyone. It depends on the family, the child, the circumstances and much more. Jesus attended the equivalent of a Christian school. Moses was raised and schooled in Pharaoh’s courts, definitely the equivalent of secular school. Daniel and his friends attended Religious school in their youth and then secular school in Babylon.

The key is not where your children are schooled, but how they are taught at home. Moses’ mother evidently taught him and prepared him when he was young so that when the time came he chose God not Egypt. Daniel and friends were also prepared and ready for the temptations they would face and the incorrect teaching they would receive. Jesus may have learned the Torah at school, but practical life application was taught at home according to Deuteronomy six.

Many Christian families are opting to home-school their children, especially in the early years. This is a great idea, but not for everyone, or even possible for everyone. If you go this direction, you’ll still need to make sure you get curriculum that features a Christian world view, and also spend time teaching them about what the world around them believes and how to separate truth from error so that they are well prepared to live and believe in the real world. I home-schooled my oldest daughter for several years and it was a wonderful experience. I also made sure that I taught her from God’s Word everyday.

The other alternative is a Christian school. Again, this is not the right choice for every family, nor is it possible or even available to all. If it is possible and a good Christian school is available to you, it can be a great option.

Just because it’s a Christian school, however, doesn’t mean that you’ll like everything it teaches. If you choose this option, view it as a great assist; but just as you can’t delegate spiritual training to the church, so you can’t delegate education carte blanche to your child’s school – whether public or private. All of my children attended a wonderful Christian school and I can tell you from experience, the Christian school option does not get you off the hook. Christian schools are full of kids who are not living their lives as Christians, and although Bible class is part of the curriculum, our children still need to be taught the practical application of their Faith at home 24/7 in the midst of life.

Your child’s education is very important and one of your primary responsibilities as a parent is to pray about, plan, and oversea it. No matter which option or combination of options that you choose, you are still a key part of your child’s education. Stay on top of it, know what they’re learning, correct it if it needs correcting, add to it what needs adding and always remember, the most important things in life aren’t taught in school. It’s our job to teach our children the practical application of their Faith, matters of character, relationship skills, love, manners, morality and much more.

Daniel and his friends arrived in Babylon ready to serve God and to learn in a secular, pagan world. Perhaps their parents believed what Jeremiah (who began his ministry right around the time Daniel was born) prophesied about the exile, and prepared their children for the inevitable. Perhaps they were just protecting them from being led astray by the pagan Canaanite religions. Either way, it’s a good thing they did. Daniel changed the world – and all because he was able to chew on what he was taught, compare it with God’s truth, and spit out the bones.

Chapter 1 of Daniel records one of the most fascinating details of his story. It describes what happened when Daniel and his friends were tested by the king himself, and also shows what can happen when students trust God and learn through God-colored glasses:

In every matter of wisdom and understanding about which the king questioned them, he found them ten times better than all the magicians and enchanters in his whole kingdom. (Daniel 1:20)

The Bible

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

The End

Funny, right? One thing I noticed while reading it was that despite the humorous gaffs, this kid’s grasp of the overall story of the Bible is quite good. One of the first things we need to teach our children about the Bible is the big story from Genesis to Revelation. Once they understand that, it’s easier to make sense of the individual stories because they have a context to place them in.

Read the retelling with your kids and have a little fun seeing if they can correct the mistakes. It’s an enjoyable way to help them start to grasp God’s big story.

What’s the difference between a seven-year-old and a really bad comedian? Their age. In my experience, every boy and most girls go through a phase where they discover jokes and set out to be funny. And truth be told, we all still have remnants of our first childish experiments with being funny – especially dads who can revert to boyish humor in a moment’s notice.Hey, we can have a lot of fun with young children by letting our sense of humor slide back a few years and getting into a good round of knock-knock jokes with them. When my kids went through this stage, I released my inner 10-year-old and really got into it. In my case, I have to admit I didn’t do it on purpose. It just happened.

It’s good to laugh and just have fun with our children. If each moment becomes a “teachable moment,” a “correctable moment,” or a “meaningful moment,” your children will start to close their ears every time they see your mouth open. Laughter helps dismantle the defenses and opens up communication, but most important, because you’re willing to just have fun with your children, it lets them know that you like them and like being with them.

When someone sends me a good joke on the Internet, I make a point of remembering it or printing it out and then telling it to my kids during a lull in the conversation – or when I want to start up a conversation. It takes only a minute to remember and tell a joke, and it always amazes me how often meaningful and fun conversations follow a punch line.

Here are a couple corny jokes you can use to get started:

• How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!
• What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
• Knock, knock? (Who’s there?) Banana! Knock, knock? (Who’s there?) Banana! Knock, knock? (Who’s there?) Banana! Knock, knock? (Who’s there?) Orange. (Orange who?) ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
• What does an octopus wear in the winter? A coat of arms.
• What do porcupines say when they kiss? Ouch.
• What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
• Why are elephants so wrinkled? They’re way too hard to iron.
• Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.

I was flying into Chicago on United Airlines shortly after they had completed their new terminal. The captain welcomed us to Chicago and “The New Terminal of Tomorrow.” He went on to explain that everyone who’s tried to catch a connecting flight out of there understands why it’s really called “The Terminal of Tomorrow” – because you might not get on your connecting flight till tomorrow!

I’ve often waited in the Chicago airport.  It’s a very busy place and reminds me of my home: children’s parties, sleepovers, friends coming and going, neighbors calling, extended family dropping by. And there are the departures. The car just doesn’t stop. There are youth groups, lessons of all sorts, sports, school, church, errands to run, and children’s friends to pick up or drive home. Sound familiar?  In the middle of all the flights in and out, once in a while I find a wonderful parenting moment with one of my fellow travelers.

The first time it happened, everyone had flown in and back out of “Osborne O’Hare,” and only my son and I were left. During the next few hours he had his agenda, and I had mine. However, in the middle of that time the two of us needed to sit down and eat a meal. What followed started with me pointing out that it was cool that it was just the two of us guys.

Then we decided to have some guy food and talked about guy things, and we even used some guy table manners (intentional oxymoron). We laughed a lot and afterwards headed back to our own tasks. The meal needed to be prepared anyway, but the time we had was memorable. I now watch for “home alone” moments. My son and I have our “guy time” every time the Osborne Terminal clears out, and I have special dad-and-daughter meals whenever I find myself alone with one of them.
For more quick and easy parenting tips and teachable moments, we recommend “Parenting at the Speed of Life”

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)