The Bible

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

The End

Funny, right? One thing I noticed while reading it was that despite the humorous gaffs, this kid’s grasp of the overall story of the Bible is quite good. One of the first things we need to teach our children about the Bible is the big story from Genesis to Revelation. Once they understand that, it’s easier to make sense of the individual stories because they have a context to place them in.

Read the retelling with your kids and have a little fun seeing if they can correct the mistakes. It’s an enjoyable way to help them start to grasp God’s big story.

What’s the difference between a seven-year-old and a really bad comedian? Their age. In my experience, every boy and most girls go through a phase where they discover jokes and set out to be funny. And truth be told, we all still have remnants of our first childish experiments with being funny – especially dads who can revert to boyish humor in a moment’s notice.Hey, we can have a lot of fun with young children by letting our sense of humor slide back a few years and getting into a good round of knock-knock jokes with them. When my kids went through this stage, I released my inner 10-year-old and really got into it. In my case, I have to admit I didn’t do it on purpose. It just happened.

It’s good to laugh and just have fun with our children. If each moment becomes a “teachable moment,” a “correctable moment,” or a “meaningful moment,” your children will start to close their ears every time they see your mouth open. Laughter helps dismantle the defenses and opens up communication, but most important, because you’re willing to just have fun with your children, it lets them know that you like them and like being with them.

When someone sends me a good joke on the Internet, I make a point of remembering it or printing it out and then telling it to my kids during a lull in the conversation – or when I want to start up a conversation. It takes only a minute to remember and tell a joke, and it always amazes me how often meaningful and fun conversations follow a punch line.

Here are a couple corny jokes you can use to get started:

• How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!
• What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
• Knock, knock? (Who’s there?) Banana! Knock, knock? (Who’s there?) Banana! Knock, knock? (Who’s there?) Banana! Knock, knock? (Who’s there?) Orange. (Orange who?) ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
• What does an octopus wear in the winter? A coat of arms.
• What do porcupines say when they kiss? Ouch.
• What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
• Why are elephants so wrinkled? They’re way too hard to iron.
• Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.

The story goes that in West Virginia only two months prior to this event the first Mother’s Day had been celebrated. In the previous December a nearby mine explosion had taken the lives of 361 men, many of them fathers. A lady named Grace Golden Clayton inspired by either or both of these events, suggested that a special service should be held to honor fathers.

The first “June” Father’s Day was celebrated on June 19, 1910 in Spokane Washington. Mrs. Sonora Smart Dodd was the driving force behind the celebration. She was inspired by Anna Jarvis’s efforts in establishing Mother’s Day and wanted to honor her father who had reared her and her five siblings as a single dad.

Since the first Father’s Day celebrations, a lot has been written about fatherhood. So I thought it appropriate to merely share some of what has already been said, humorous and inspirational.

“A father is a guy who has pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.” (Unknown)

“Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad.” (Anne Geddes)

“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’” (Jerry Lewis)

“A man’s children and his garden both reflect the amount of weeding done during the growing season”. (Unknown)

“There are three stages of a man’s life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” (Unknown)

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” (Mark Twain)

“A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.” (Unknown)

“A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he’s in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.” (Bill Cosby)

“There’s something like a line of gold thread running through a man’s words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.” (John Gregory Brown)

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” (Jim Valvano)

“One night a father heard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants to be.” (Unknown)

And one last quote…

“A young boy’s definition of Father’s Day: It’s just like Mother’s Day only you don’t spend so much.” (Unknown)

According to snopes.com, before the current communications revolution, in one given year 83 million calls were made on Father’s Day and 106 million were made on Mother’s Day. However 27% more of the Father’s Day calls were collect.

Mother’s Day came first and it apparently still does, but we should all be thankful for Grace Clayton and Mrs. Dodd who believed that fathers should be honored.

In closing, I would add that perhaps everything about fatherhood has already been said but the words of love and appreciation that need to be said to our fathers can never all be said. In every father/child relationship it is often the smallest things that we do and say that mean the most and linger the longest. Those things don’t take long and don’t cost much, especially if you make the call collect.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

If you have any wonderful stories to add to this blog about what makes your father a great dad, please share them to inspire and encourage others.

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)