The YouTube video attached is one of my all time favorite animated short films. The little blue birds are so into their exclusive ‘only our kind’ club and eliminating all threats to uniformity, that they’re blinded to what’s going on around them.

Children left to themselves tend to act exactly like that. She’s too young to be with us, he’s a boy, she’s my sister not my friend, they aren’t part of our class, club, team, school etc. If we’re not careful we can excuse this behavior as normal childhood antics. However, if we do, these seemingly innocent weeds can lead to full blown exclusive adult attitudes and behaviors such as prejudice and a lack of compassion and empathy for those that are different.Prejudice and exclusive attitudes in adults exist in most cases not because the adults learned to be that way but because they never learned how to be different as kids. Also lets face it, if your kids are always fighting about who gets to be involved and who doesn’t, or if you’re having to constantly get up when company is over to try and solve these problems, it can be a real pain.

Here are four simple steps that will help you transform your kids from the natural tendency of being exclusive, to always being inclusive.

Step #1: Have a family meeting.

If you’ve never tried a family meeting you’re missing out on one of the most effective parenting tools. Kids are just like everyone else, they love to be included and they love to be heard. Putting them in the authority/decision making loop gives them ownership of the decisions made and gives you the ability to hold them accountable to what they agreed to.

When announcing the meeting, explain that the purpose of a family meeting is to address a family problem and to come up with a plan together to solve it. Let everyone know that it’s going to be fun and that ice cream (or what ever treat everyone likes) will be served.

Start the meeting with a short prayer asking for God’s wisdom and help. Next set the tone, every one will be heard and no one will be criticized or blamed etc. Now talk to them about the problem, use specific examples without singling out anyone or being harsh. Take the tact that everyone has been involved in the problem (you could even apologize for not doing this sooner) and together you’re going to solve it.

Step #2: Talk to your kid’s about what the Bible says.

Now it’s imperative that you explain to them why all of this is important. Sorry but, “Because I said so,” doesn’t work in the long term.

You may even begin the discussion by showing them the attached animated bird film as an illustration of the problem.

Let them know that Jesus is our example and he never excluded anyone. Everyone who came to Jesus was welcomed and loved. Even though he was an adult, when his disciples tried to turn kids away he got upset and welcomed them. He spent time with people no one else would spend time with, people who weren’t very nice, people who were crippled and disabled, people who were sick, people who weren’t popular, people who had different religious views and who were from different cities and countries and even lepers who everyone else ran away from.

Explain that Jesus did this because he knew that it’s better to give then to get. One of the greatest secrets to having a happy satisfying life is to spend your time loving and caring for others. When you do, you feel better about yourself and many of the people you love start to love, give and appreciate you back.

Read and discuss this key Bible verse. (Put an emphasis on the idea of putting other people’s needs and feelings ahead of your own.)

‘Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:’ (Philippians 2:3 – 5)

Don’t rush the conversation. Make sure everyone gets it before moving on to the next step.

Step #3: Get everyone to agree on the new rules.

Now it’s time to get everyone’s ideas on how to solve the problem. Center the conversation around concrete examples like, “What are you going to do when your younger sibling wants to play with you?” Be sure to bring a balance. There’s nothing wrong with the older sibling telling the younger sister that he’ll play one game with her or spend fifteen minutes playing with her before he returns to what he was doing.

In our home we set the rule that EVERYONE must be included always and no was to be EXCLUDED ever. Shape your rules out of your discussion and get everyone to agree that you’re going to all work together to be an inclusive family. Then compliment everyone on a great family meeting and for their wonderful input.

Step #4: Enforce the rules.

You must be diligent with this final step. It’s relatively easy for a child to say they understand and agree to change but they need help remembering and applying what they’ve learned in the moment. Make a special effort in the days and weeks to follow to stay on top of every opportunity to teach and reinforce what everyone agreed to.

Praise every effort that is made by your kids to be inclusive and when you hear a problem brewing don’t yell from the other room, go there immediately. Stay calm and remind those involved of the meeting and what they agreed to. Perhaps even remind them that they’re sounding kind of like the little blue birds. Now help them come up with a balanced way to be inclusive and assist them in carrying out the idea.

It’s as simple as that. If you follow these four steps you will be amazed at how the level of peace and cooperation in your family will go up to a wonderful new level. More importantly you’ll be helping to instill wonderful qualities in your children like empathy, selflessness and compassion which will grow with them into adulthood.

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)

This is the seventh and final post in the series: “What does the Bible say about sibling rivalry and how can I get my kids to get along?”

We started out this sibling rivalry series by establishing that what the world says is normal in family relationships, is not what God wants for Christian families.

The world says that sibling rivalry, rebellious teenagers, kids and parents not getting along and family fighting are all part of normal family life.

However, Jesus himself said that the two greatest commands were to love God and to love others and that all of God’s law is summed up in these two commands. Christian love is a foundation of our Faith and teaching it, is a core Christian parenting skill.

God has called parents to bring their children up in the training and instruction of the Lord—to teach them how God says life works and how we are to live. The Christian home is the place where God meant for children to learn how to love God and others. They need to be taught what love is, to be trained in how to walk it out and to see it exampled in the lives of their older siblings and parents.

God intended that the Christian home be the classroom for developing relational skills and learning how to love. Sibling relationships and parent/child relationships are the crash test dummies that prepare our children for every other peer relationship and authority relationship in their lives.

Jesus said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34, 35)

Jesus said that the world would be able to tell who his disciples are by the love they show. Why? Because God put an innate need to be loved in the heart of every one of us. Real love speaks of truth and calls each one of us towards it.

In a day and age where children are being raised to hate, it’s not enough for us to speak out against hate. We must lead the way and intentionally teach our children to love. If we don’t, we may not be teaching our children to hate but by our lack of teaching, we cause our children to become indifferent and/or self-centered. Indifferent and self-centered people don’t reach out and help change a hating world!

Expecting our children to somehow learn how to love by osmoses or by just telling them to love, is like expecting them to learn math without math lessons.

The second greatest command reflects the second most important task of Christian Parenting. We are called to roll up our sleeves, cry out to God for help and take the time and energy to practically instruct and train our children in how to love. Teaching them about forgiveness, kindness, patience, kind words, encouragement, compassion, cooperation, conflict resolution, gentleness, faithfulness, thoughtfulness, sacrifice, selflessness, listening, generosity, fairness, building others up, being helpful, manners, respect, honor, duty, standing up for the rights of others and much more.

These concepts are all mere words to our children until they are explained and taught. They may hear about them at Sunday school and in Bible stories but in order to really learn these family values and virtues, they need to be taught while life is happening.

I love the song ‘The Prayers of The Children.’ The generation of children growing up in the world, like every generation before them, want to love and be loved. Only the hate in the world and their fallen nature leads them away.

But if our Christian children are taught by us and the Holy Spirit within them to truly love in their hearts and with their actions, they will reach past hate and make a huge difference in their generation—and by that love, the world will know who God’s children are.

If this is the first blog in the Sibling Rivalry series that you’ve read, I encourage you to make your way through the first six. There are lots of practical tips that will help you on your journey to teach your children how to love. I’ll also be posting more in this category from time to time so stay clicked in.

For more quick and easy parenting tips for bringing change to your family, we recommend “Parenting at the Speed of Life”

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)

Can you figure out which Biblical relationship principle you can discuss with your children by watching this video together?

In the 5th chapter of Ephesians, Paul begins his teaching on different kinds of relationships. He begins with marriage, moves on to parents and children and finishes up with what today would be somewhat applicable to the employer/employee relationship.

He begins his instruction by laying a simple foundation that applies to all relationships, “…submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (verse 21)

The word ‘submit’ has been kicked around a lot but it really has quite a simple meaning. To submit to someone means that you voluntarily look at their needs and desires and consider them important in order to foster a loving and cooperative relationship.

When two people submit to one another, they are actively being thoughtful and considerate of each other instead of being selfish and demanding.

I love the YouTube video that I attached because in it the big brother very simply demonstrates this principle. Even though his little sibling ends up finding his lap, he’s not bothered or defensive of his territory. By not reacting, he is submitting to or being thoughtful and considerate of his brother’s needs.

Can you imagine what your home sweet home would look like if every relationship were firmly placed on this foundation?

In order to simplify the concept for my kids, I used the word thoughtfulness. So the question is, what parenting skills can we use to create an atmosphere of thoughtfulness in our homes?

Firstly (always) according to Eph. 6:4, our children need both instruction and training. I find the family meeting is the best place to start whenever any new family rule or principle is to be enacted.

In the meeting, explain to your kids what thoughtfulness is. Keep it brief, about the length of a couple of Bible stories or a short Sunday school lesson. Give them some examples so that they know what thoughtfulness looks like. Show them the video and point out how unbothered the older brother is. Ask them why they think the boy is being so understanding about sharing his space.

Get them on board by using ‘Golden Rule Parenting’. Ask if they would like their brothers and sisters to always be thoughtful of them and what they want. Then explain to them that it has to work both ways (they have to be thoughtful too) in order for it to work.

Here’s a useful parenting tip—tell them that thoughtfulness doesn’t work if you’re only thinking about yourself. You need to think about first US, then YOU and then ME. In other words, in every relationship situation, they need to find a way that works out best for both parties involved, ‘US’. If they’re having trouble finding a way that works for US, then they need to move to YOU—or put the other person first. Only then should they think of a way that helps them get what they want, ME.

US first, YOU second, ME last. If everyone in the house plays by this rule and learns this virtue then even the most difficult family life situations and conflicts can be resolved.

Once you’ve instructed and everyone has agreed that you want to be a ‘thoughtful’ family, then the training starts. Just because your kids agreed doesn’t mean that they’ll be able to do it. When a problem occurs (remember no armchair command flinging) go over there and calmly help them go through the process (US, YOU, WE) until they have it settled.

In the next installment of this blog series on sibling rivalry, we’ll talk about another key element in teaching your children to get along.

For more quick and easy parenting tips for bringing change to your family, we recommend “Parenting at the Speed of Life”

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)

What would you say are two things that are most often at the core of a sibling battle? Let me give you a few whining and complaining hints, “Dad, he won’t share,” Mom, she’s wearing my clothes again.” And next, “She hit me” and “He won’t leave me alone.”

There are many answers to the question I posed but most of us would agree that fighting over things and unwanted physical contact are huge aggravators in sibling relationships.

Jesus taught what has now become known as the Golden Rule, treat others the way that you would like to be treated. (Matt 7:12)

Here’s how you apply the Golden Rule to personal things and personal space. First let me back up a bit, remember Christian Parenting skills 101, instruction comes before training.

Sit your kids down and explain the new household rules regarding these issues. You, of course can use your own words and illustrations (parenting styles differ) but here’s how I did it.

I explained to my children that in the adult world no one has the right to touch another person (in any way) unless they allow it. “If an adult just decided to punch another adult really hard, the police could come and they could be charged with a crime.”

Next, I taught my children about personal property rights. “If an adult were to go to the neighbors house and take his outdoor-grill without asking, they could be arrested for stealing.” I went on to explain that no one has the right to touch, take or use someone else’s property without his or her permission.

Once my children understood each of our personal rights to person and property, it was time to apply them to family relationships. I got each of my children excited about the fact that their siblings could not hit, touch or even tickle them without their permission. They also got really excited that their siblings could also not touch, take or use any of their things without permission.

You can probably already see how this rule could be used selfishly by your children.

So here’s where the Golden Rule must be taught. Each one of your children will agree that they enjoy appropriate contact like hugs and kisses and even a little tickling and play wrestling in your family life. They will also agree that they like having access to some of their sibling’s belongings.

So explain that no one should touch a sibling unless they know it would be okay—you shouldn’t have to ask for a hug or if a little tickling is okay. But make sure that you don’t do something to your siblings that you wouldn’t want others to do to you.

Also, what I did to help govern the level of tickling, teasing, wrestling and such is that I explained that when others want to have us stop and they ask us to, we must stop immediately because they have the right to their own person. So when one of my children said, “Please stop,” the others involved had to stop. After all, that is what they would want others to do for them.

In regards to personal property, each child needed to ask their sibling’s permission to use one of their things. These requests were not to be denied without good reason because they also would not want to be denied. Of course, (parenting advice balance alert) they were taught that it was okay (if they were playing with it) to let their sibling know that they would let them have a turn when they were finished using it.

This worked wonderfully. Again the whole family meeting and instruction/discussion part took no longer than it would take to sit through a short Sunday school lesson or to read a couple of Bible stories.

The training part took a while of having to leave what I was doing, go over to the current hot spot with reminders and help but the home values and virtues that we first discussed were eventually established.

Not only did this make our home at lot more peaceful, it gave the children a clear understanding of how their relationships outside the home should work. It helped them draw healthy boundaries and strengthened their friendships.

For more practical and Biblical Christian Parenting ideas we recommend the Christian resource, ‘What Mary and Joseph Knew About Parenting’.

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)

If you’ve had the family meeting (we covered that in part two of this series) and you’ve decided to overcome the temptation to follow the armchair fling parenting style, then you’re ready to get moving.

Okay, the squabbling has started and you’re up and going. You have a few seconds of travel time to do two things, first remember the Third Parent and pray for parenting wisdom and help. Next (really valuable parenting tip) slow down and make sure you arrive on the scene calm.

Have you ever seen a fireperson, police officer or ambulance worker all flustered? No, because they know that if they do not bring the calm to the storm, the storm will get bigger. Bring the calm.

Even before you get there, be listening. The more you have heard, the better equipped you are to teach. Once you get there and your calm has brought peace, ask questions and do some more listening. The more your children feel like their concerns and viewpoint have been heard, the more they will be willing to listen.

Here is some parenting advice from Mary and Joseph’s example. The one time that Mary and Joseph were upset with Jesus as a boy, they asked him a question. The interview helps us to avoid jumping to conclusions and brings calm and clarity to the situation. (Luke 2:41 – 52) I’ve found that this Biblical parenting skill can make a huge difference in many parenting situations.

Next, and this seems small but it is incredibly important, remind them of the family meeting and motto and affirm them. This is foundational and remember the more magnificent a building is, the bigger the foundation has to be. Slow down and pour some cement and you will have a greater impact. Remind them of their own commitment during the family meeting and find something good to say about their progress so far or your confidence in their ability to get along.

Now move forward treating this as an ongoing process. You knew when you started that they would not get it overnight. So look at the situation like you would if you were teaching them to ride a bike—don’t get upset if they don’t get it at first. Just keep helping them learn how to resolve conflict and get along.

Now that the calm has been restored, you understand the situation and the foundation has been laid, it is time to instruct. Explain to your children how you think they could have handled the situation more peaceably. If this is not the first time this same situation has come up then perhaps ask them how they think they could have solved the problem differently. Once everyone agrees move on to training.

When my children were younger and first learning how to get along I would have them enact a do-over. Like getting in a time machine, they would go back and do it all over but this time the right way. As they got older, I would just discuss what they would do if they had it to do over and leave it at that. Either way though, I made sure that everyone involved had the tools and experience that they needed to do it right next time.

I know at first it sounds like a long process but once you are in the habit of doing this it becomes almost automatic like riding a bike. It’s not as easy as dropping them off at Sunday school or reading a few Bible Stories but if you stay with it, the family life and family relationship rewards are great.

In my next blog in this series we’ll talk more about what the Bible says about how children are to love each other and how you can help them understand and do it.

For more quick and easy parenting tips for bringing change to your family, we recommend “Parenting at the Speed of Life”

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)

After we all agreed (in our family meeting) that one of our key home values was to leave strife behind, the Christian parenting work started. 

Notice that on this parenting website we are not afraid to call parenting ‘work.’

I have actually found something of a parenting skills paradox in the concept of parental work. Although what seems to be lazy parenting will get you nowhere, working hard at it will give you the time and peace to be lazy.

Let me explain. Armchair parenting is a parenting style that doesn’t work; parenting is a participation sport. It is always tempting to stay seated in my favorite chair (or continue doing whatever I was doing) and fling instructions, commands and threats about the house aimed at one child, or many, (the all-in-one fling) but that is not effective parenting.

Our kids know that we’re not coming and that they can get away with only partial compliance until we do. So we end up getting upset and having to get up anyway. However, now it’s too late to be effective because the situation has moved from an, ‘instruction and training’ moment to a ‘discipline’ moment and no one has learned anything about resolving conflicts.

The often-used parental quote, “Don’t make me come over there” is really quite a sad one. If we got up and went ‘over there’ at the first sign of trouble, we would avoid the aggravation, the need for discipline and gain the opportunity to teach and train our children.

Our children don’t learn life skills by osmoses or by us practicing the armchair parenting fling command method. They learn when we instruct them and train them, and our presence is necessary for that.

I found the lazy parent’s secret years ago; when I got up as soon as I started to see or hear the train derailing, the whole hands on process took less than half as much time as the ‘sit still, fling, fling again, fling again, yell, get frustrated, finally get up and have to go over there anyway and discipline’ method.

Here is another often-used parental quote that is really quite sad, “How many times do I have to tell you?” If you find yourself repeating it often, it means that you’re flinging instead of ‘going, instructing and training.’ Once I started ‘going’, I found that I stopped having to repeat myself because I stopped just telling them what to do from on high and started to go and show them what to do.

The really BIG lazy parent payoff from this bit of parenting advice comes a little later. Once I had given my children hands on, in-the-moment instruction and training regarding an issue (say fighting over the remote) it was easier to deal with that issue the next time and eventually it was no longer a problem. The more ‘going there’ instantly I did, the better my kids understood how to get along and the less ‘going there’ I had to do. The result, kids who were learning wonderful relational skills, more peace and more time in my favorite chair.

So if you want the easy way to a peaceful family life and children that get along with each other, here is the parenting tip, make a decision to become a lazy parent. Don’t fling and repeat, go and show and you’re on your way to less sibling rivalry and the desired home sweet home.

Christian parenting is more than Sunday school, bedtime prayers and Bible stories, it is also teaching our children to love God and others. However, doing it God’s way usually works out (in the long run) to be the shortcut.

In my next blog in this series we will start dealing with what we need to do once you’re off the chair and moving.

For more quick and easy parenting tips for bringing change to your family, we recommend “Parenting at the Speed of Life”

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)

If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. (1 John 4: 20) 

Years ago while I was reading through the Bible book of 1 John, I suddenly saw how this verse was relevant for parenting and my family life.

The Apostle John states that if you do not love your Christian brother you do not love God. Why? Simple, it’s easier to love someone that you can see than it is to love God who you cannot see.

The principle involved is that we all must walk before we run, the simple before the difficult.

So I called a family meeting and explained this verse and then applied the principle to our family.

If we cannot love (get along with, share, talk nicely etc.) with our brothers and sisters who we live with and are closest to, it is not likely that we are able to properly love anyone outside our home.

We think we can but we can’t. Siblings tend to think that they do not get along with their brothers and sisters because their siblings are just stupid or difficult. The fact that they get along just fine with their friends seems to reinforce this idea.

Unfortunately they are missing a large piece of the logic puzzle. They do not live with their friends. The truth is, if they had to live with their friends they would start having the same problems with them that they are having with their siblings.

The same relational skills needed to run a successful sibling relationship and resolve family conflicts are the same ones needed to run great friendships.

God meant for the sibling relationship to be the test dummy for all other peer relationships.

This is how we prepare our children for successful friendships and even a successful marriage. If they learn and practice the relational skills needed to get along with their siblings, they will possess the basic skills for making a marriage work. Unfortunately, the reverse of this parenting advice is also true.

I went on to explain to my children that knowing how to love and get along with others would make their lives much more wonderful and they agreed that getting along feels better than fighting.

So I followed the family meeting up with a family commitment and a family motto.

In Proverbs 20:3 God says that it is an honor to avoid strife and that only fools quarrel. So we agreed and made a commitment that as a family we were going to get rid of strife (fighting, unkind words, complaining etc) and we were going to learn to get along.

We agreed that our motto would be, ‘Our family is a loving family.’

The family meeting, when used to get everyone in agreement regarding your home values, is one of the most powerful Christian parenting, family tools I know. Here is the parenting tip, once life happens and things get difficult, you can remind everyone involved of the discussion and their agreement to it, quote the motto and move forward from there.

This whole process didn’t take much longer than it would take to read a couple of Bible stories but it laid a strong foundation that we eventually built strife free sibling relationships on. Of course, laying this foundation was just the starting point, next came the instruction and training. We’ll get started on the parenting skills needed for that in my next blog. (part 3)

For more quick and easy parenting tips for bringing change to your family, we recommend “Parenting at the Speed of Life”

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)

Can you imagine your home truly being a ‘home sweet home’? What if everyone in our families always spoke gently and kindly to one another? What if everyone got along famously, loved and respected one another and enjoyed each other’s company?

No sibling rivalry, no fighting, no arguing, no yelling, no unkind words, no whining, no complaining or blaming, can you imagine what that would be like?

Well, that family does not just exist in your imagination or in a Sunday school picture. Having your Christian home look and feel like that is not only possible, it is Biblical.

The first time I spoke on this topic in a Christian Parenting workshop, every face in the room was staring at me almost open-mouthed in disbelief. When I finished it was so quiet that you could have heard the proverbial pin drop.

Its like every one listening had not even thought this possible! Why? We’ve swallowed some so called facts about families that do not have to be true for our Christian Families.

You have probably heard them. They are the ones that tell us that sibling rivalry, disobedient children, rebellious teenagers, stormy marriages, family fights and even yelling and anger in the home are all a normal part of family life.

This is NOT God’s idea of normal for a Christian home and family. Christian Parenting is bringing up our children in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 4:6) In other words we are to raise them as disciples of Christ or as Christians.

What did Jesus himself say were the two most important commands, the ones that sum up everything God requires of us?

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:36 – 40)

Shouldn’t we, as Christian parents start there, with the two most basic commands given to Christians, love God and love others?

The first two kids born on the planet were born outside the Garden of Eden, separated from God and with a sin nature. One of them was jealous of the other and killed him, that is where sibling rivalry started. Sibling rivalry is not a natural product of childhood, it is a product of the sin nature.

Jesus died for us so that we would no longer be subject to our sin nature and his Spirit helps us to grow up into all that God has called us to be. (Romans 8:1 – 14)

Does that happen automatically? No. The Bible doesn’t just tell us to love one another, it (in great detail) teaches us how.

Our children need to be instructed and trained in how to love. In other words, they need to learn relationship skills.

It actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it: Part of God’s original plan for families was for it to be the classroom where children learn the relational skills (how to love) that they need to help them function in every other relationship for the rest of their lives.

For example, any child who is taught how to get along with and have a good relationship with their siblings has the skills to do the same outside the home in every peer relationship. Unfortunately the opposite is also true.

In this blog series we are going to discuss what the Bible says about how we are to love each other and then move on to easy to use practical parenting tips that will help you teach each relational skill to your children and put an end to sibling rivalry.

Stay with us, you’re on your way to a more peaceful and wonderful home and family.

For more quick and easy parenting tips for bringing change to your family, we recommend “Parenting at the Speed of Life”

(RICK OSBORNE / Christian Author, Speaker & Bible Teacher)